Having a passion can be all consuming; the word itself is marked by extremity, intensity, and strength of feeling. Passions direct and shape you, both by conscious choice and by unconscious surrender. If a passion has been a part of you for a long period of time then this process of direction is second nature, and the metamorphosis that is its result is almost impossible to discern, because it is seems so natural. As in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, such a subtle sculpting of self can entrap you without your knowledge. I have experienced this in a way that is very close to my heart. I am a dancer, and have spent years seriously training in classical ballet. Like anything that requires great time and dedication to perfect, ballet has defined my life in ways innumerable. It has influenced everything from the structure of my education to the kind of shoes I like to wear, but the most important way that it has molded me extends deeper.
Ballet combines the science of movement with emotional expression, and is not only exceptionally physically demanding, but mentally taxing as well. Ballet dancers spend their lives schooling their bodies in an attempt to attain the highest level of physical perfection and grace of movement that human beings are capable of achieving. Perhaps not surprising in an art form that creates an instrument out of the human body, the pressure of this nearly impossible goal combined with the aesthetic standard that dancers are expected to uphold results in a mindset that closely ties standards of beauty to the shape of that body. The idea of being good at ballet is so closely connected to that of looking the part that the two are very difficult to untangle.We dancers have our own oddly specific ideas of aesthetics, and not only does it extend to the shape of our feet but also to our proportions and weight. I have found this method of perception to be deeply ingrained in the ballet world, but I do not only find it there, I also find it in myself.
In the Platonic sense, that limited definition of what is beautiful and acceptable has been my cave. For a long time I was unable to see beyond the one ideal that I had been striving toward for and the ways that I thought that I was failing. In a way, my mind was projecting the shadows in that cave by persisting in a somewhat skewed view of myself. I became aware of the way that ballet has distorted my relationship with my physical appearance has been some time ago, but it has taken a great deal to let myself turn away from the shadows and into the light. In order to do so I have had to distance myself from the ideal that ballet represents and instead try to accept myself as I am. That journey is ongoing and is certainly not a linear one, but it has afforded me a sense of peace and more honest view of myself. I am still a part of the ballet world, but I can now see beyond it as well, and that freedom has left me blinded with light.
Your writing kind of has the art of a dancer to it, as well. As a side note, you probably have seen the movie "The Company", and I'd be interested to hear a dancer's perspective on how representative it is of that world.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, other films might be more relatable to your subject. A couple of students over the years have written about dealing with image issues and societal standards of beauty, but your story raises a new perspective. One significant way this contrasts the blogs of former students is that the pressures of image culture are usually experienced indirectly, whereas yours were very direct, and experienced as if they were integral to both the image and the performance of your art. On the one hand, this presents further and deeper challenges, but on the other hand, you may be able to develop your own more direct way of understanding and escaping this cave, and as a more developed artist to boot
A good way to practice objectivity and learn other perspectives is to approach a subject from other angles. One really really good movie about an artist who is facing an identity crisis when his personal character comes into competition with the ideals of members (critics, mentors, the press, etc) of his artistic community is "Almost Famous". Though about a musician, the existential crisis the guitarist Russell in that movie faces and overcomes could have a bearing on your own pursuit of perfection in your art--- and how that pursuit clashes with ideals of perfection in your field.
Another movie that goes even deeper into an artist's personal conflict with his public vs self-image is "The Wrestler", which may have an even more direct relevance to your story. "The Prestige" could also be on interest, inasmuch as that movie represents artists completely living the image of their art, to the detriment (but then salvation for one of them) of their personal lives.
But perhaps the best movie of all on this topic, or at least the one that most closely relates to the personal journey you are on to reconcile your personal ideals with the ideals of your art, is "Fearless", a very powerful movie about how a kung fu master destroys but then rebuilds himself through the power of his art. Any of these could suit your subject very well; feel free to let me know if you'd like to discuss them further. Great work here Eileen.
The mind is a entity that doesn't exist in space, but we are always aware of its presence and effect on us. Descartes explained the mind as completely separate mechanism from the body, that controls what we perceive, and our actions in the external world. Its interesting how the standards of beauty in Ballet caused you to see a distorted image of your self, the mind is a powerful and their have been numerous studies of people's actual physical appearances changing to fit the image or idea of what they believe to be reality. The mind can be a cave as you experienced first hand with Ballet. This is a very interesting topic and you should have no problems finding information or movies that are relevant.I am sure you have seen this movie or been asked this question but have you seen Black Swan? Did Darren Aronofsky accurately portray the hardships involved in competitive Ballet? It's cool that you still continue to do Ballet, I have some friends that attend the dance school Lines in San Francisco. I had the privilege of seeing them perform this year.
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