Having a passion can be all consuming; the word itself is marked by extremity, intensity, and strength of feeling. Passions direct and shape you, both by conscious choice and by unconscious surrender. If a passion has been a part of you for a long period of time then this process of direction is second nature, and the metamorphosis that is its result is almost impossible to discern, because it is seems so natural. As in Plato's Allegory of the Cave, such a subtle sculpting of self can entrap you without your knowledge. I have experienced this in a way that is very close to my heart. I am a dancer, and have spent years seriously training in classical ballet. Like anything that requires great time and dedication to perfect, ballet has defined my life in ways innumerable. It has influenced everything from the structure of my education to the kind of shoes I like to wear, but the most important way that it has molded me extends deeper.
Ballet combines the science of movement with emotional expression, and is not only exceptionally physically demanding, but mentally taxing as well. Ballet dancers spend their lives schooling their bodies in an attempt to attain the highest level of physical perfection and grace of movement that human beings are capable of achieving. Perhaps not surprising in an art form that creates an instrument out of the human body, the pressure of this nearly impossible goal combined with the aesthetic standard that dancers are expected to uphold results in a mindset that closely ties standards of beauty to the shape of that body. The idea of being good at ballet is so closely connected to that of looking the part that the two are very difficult to untangle.We dancers have our own oddly specific ideas of aesthetics, and not only does it extend to the shape of our feet but also to our proportions and weight. I have found this method of perception to be deeply ingrained in the ballet world, but I do not only find it there, I also find it in myself.
In the Platonic sense, that limited definition of what is beautiful and acceptable has been my cave. For a long time I was unable to see beyond the one ideal that I had been striving toward for and the ways that I thought that I was failing. In a way, my mind was projecting the shadows in that cave by persisting in a somewhat skewed view of myself. I became aware of the way that ballet has distorted my relationship with my physical appearance has been some time ago, but it has taken a great deal to let myself turn away from the shadows and into the light. In order to do so I have had to distance myself from the ideal that ballet represents and instead try to accept myself as I am. That journey is ongoing and is certainly not a linear one, but it has afforded me a sense of peace and more honest view of myself. I am still a part of the ballet world, but I can now see beyond it as well, and that freedom has left me blinded with light.
